Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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