Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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