call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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