The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
