I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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