You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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