I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
