fuck your aforementioned shoe
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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