He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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