Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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