i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize