Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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