ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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