I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
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sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you had me at cake vodka
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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