im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
