well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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