So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
