I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
