Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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