Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
