My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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