do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
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