community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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