she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
