brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
