evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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