I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
