At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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