It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
