Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
