that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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