if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
