What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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