finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
