I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
