Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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