I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
