If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
