i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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