The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
