im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
