I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
