am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
