Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
