Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I would ride that face into the sunset
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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