Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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