Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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