yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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