My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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