Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
