I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
