Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
