if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
