shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
