I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
