Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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